This one. He is full of spirit. He’s been experimenting with some new behaviors that John and I haven’t quite figured out how to manage to help him be his best in settings like school and church. I won’t go into it in detail because I want to be fair to James and it doesn’t matter in this space, but I’ve just been feeling so invested in helping him succeed. Maybe even in a bad way…like, I’m internalizing his behavior and choices too much that it may be inhibiting me from helping him in his love language. I wish I could parent without being emotionally charged or driven, but who am I kidding. So yes, I mess up every day. But James knows I love him and hopefully that makes up for all that I lack.
The fact is, I love that James is silly. I love that he has the confidence to try to get people laughing. I love that he wants to bring joy into peoples’ lives. It’s part of who he is, and I feel like in a way it is a tribute to John and me. So I don’t want him to change! But of course I want him to be able to read social cues and succeed socially and not be a distraction in a group setting. So right now we are navigating these stormy waters until we can help James (and us, in James’ world) find his peace and be able to be still when the time is right.
My love for this tiny giant swells in my heart to overflowing out my eyes as tears of hope for others to love him as I do, to see him as I do, and to believe in him as I do. And even though we are in a stage of discovery by trial and error, I really don’t worry about him in the bigger picture. He already tries so hard to let Heavenly Father influence his heart, and that is the most I would want for our son. So I will nurture that the best I can and hope that we figure out the other stuff along the way.