Good days and bad days.

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Today was a good day.  I felt pretty good and actually got ready and I worked on some decorations for James’ birthday party and I made 4 round cakes to make his layered cake for his birthday party and I took the kids out to lunch and had an amazing time with them in McDonalds and did laundry and even made homemade hoagie buns for meatball subs for dinner.  The meatball subs weren’t great but the buns were delicious by themselves.  There’s nothing quite like a day that you feel good when you’re pregnant.  

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The other day I did not have a good day.  I was irritable with the babies all day and got stuck in a rut watching Netflix and lounging on the couch and not wanting to do anything else as a mother and I ended up getting so impatient and monstrous with the kids at dinner when John had to unexpectedly stay late that James actually pretended to like broccoli because he was so scared of me.  It was so pitiful watching him choke it down with a smile and a, “Yummy, Mommy!  Fanx for making this dinner!”  

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I’m so grateful my babies are so merciful with me.  They still love me on my bad days and that just boggles me.  I guess the silver lining is that the bad days help me appreciate the good days that much more.  Today was such a good day.  It sounds like I did a lot but it still felt pretty steadily paced and I was able to take in my babies’ silky personalities and love and mug on them all day.  I don’t think I raised my voice once today, and that is a major win for me.  I talked sweetly and calmly and adoringly to my kids all day, and it made all the difference.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day, too.

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I’m starting to get a little overcome with angst over having to say goodbye to Charlie’s infancy.  As soon as Tiny is born Charlie will be so much bigger and I’m not ready for that.  Charlie’s infancy flew by, which I was wanting it to do at the time because infants are hard on me, but I regret wishing his babyness away now.  I knew I would, but I wished it away anyway so that it wouldn’t be as “hard.”  Never again, I tell you!!  Who knows how many more infants I’ll have in my life and I will never again be wishing they’d hurry and grow to make everything more convenient for me.  I will relish in every infant second and cling to each baby moment with all my heart.  Even the hard moments.  Because it’s never really “easy” anyway.  I mean, here I am with two toddlers who play great together and don’t require much from me but my heart is breaking to pieces because they are old enough to do that, when that’s all I wanted them to be able to do in the first place so that things weren’t so “hard.”  Motherhood is such a trip, goodness.  I just want to do it right, you know?