A few mommy thoughts eating my soul lately:
I got some of James’ old clothes out of storage and washed them up real good for Charlie and it’s like a little James 2.0 is walking around and it gets me all sorts of choked up.
I’m sad I don’t get more time with Charlie while he’s a baby. I remember feeling like this with James when I was pregnant with Moose, but I feel more anxious and desperate about it this time around. I feel like Charlie’s babyhood is so precious and tender but passing me by so quickly so I don’t have any time to grasp onto it. I described it to John as me trying to pull a string faster and faster but all it does is unravel the sweater faster and faster while getting me no where. I’m trying to get more one on one time with Charlie each day, that makes a big difference. I think I feel worse this time because I had so much alone time with James when we were waiting on baby #2, but I hardly get any alone time with Charlie while waiting for baby #3. I’m sick at the thought of Charlie’s babyhood being almost a memory. My sweet, tiny little miracle baby. But I am so excited to get to know him better as he begins to be able to talk and express his personality more.
I’ve had a liberating realization recently. My boys are now at a stage where I either need to expect to be frustrated in certain settings or I need to stop trying to force their personalities into my schedule. Now that I know what the problem is, I can adjust my schedule to fit their needs more than my own and I think that’ll work great for all of us. Because they won’t be set up for failure (ie, being dragged to a party of my friend’s during their naptime, causing them to be super fussy and stress me out) and I won’t be stressed out as much! I’m working on taking things more casually, as they come.
There’s just something about James that heals me. He’s like my little therapist. I don’t even know if he’s that well behaved around other people when I’m not there but I have a hard time caring because he is an absolute dream to me. We have a special little friendship, he and I. He takes such good care of me. He listens to me, he protects my heart, he tries so hard to be a good boy. The other night I was so strung out and he did something to Charlie and I snapped and spanked him right in the heat of my frustration–I immediately felt AWFUL. It didn’t even hurt him, but I promised myself I would never spank and I spanked him and my heart sank and I immediately embraced him and started begging for his forgiveness. He said, “Of course I forgive you!” and was so sweet about it, recognizing how terrible I felt. The rest of the night I kept bringing it up and apologizing again and telling him how badly I felt. I finally said, “James, you just need to spank me. That will help me feel better. Just give me a big old whack smack right on my rear. Please!! It is the only thing that will help me feel better!” He kept saying, “No! I don’t want to spank my mom!” but I kept begging him to, explaining it would help me feel better if he would just spank me back. Finally, after several exchanges, he explained, “Mom, I don’t want to spank you because that would make ME feel bad!” He loves me so purely.
Lastly, here’s a little 1:00 long video starring James. Yes, every conversation is this intense with him. He is so full of life. I seriously bust up every time I watch this. My favorite moments are 0:16, 0:21, 0:27, 0:50 (“They were buddies…”)