I haven’t written much about this pregnancy or motherhood lately. I find when I’m pregnant my blog becomes more of a photo album than a place where I dump my soul. I have to admit, though, that I haven’t written about these things for other reasons, too. Ones I’m not proud of, I guess you could say. I really try to keep this space positive and full of the gratitude I feel, so often times I won’t highlight the hardships when they come. I’m not trying to portray my life a certain way, I just sincerely want to spread the joy I feel in my family life and try to focus on just that so that I feel it even more. But I also try to stay genuine and real, so I guess I’ll share a few of the thoughts I’ve been thinking and a few of the feelings I’ve been feeling the past few months…
Let me preface by saying I am so grateful for my beautiful life. I hope I don’t come across as anything other than grateful. I don’t mean to be a downer, I don’t really feel like one. But real is sometimes down. Anyway, blah blah blah……. This pregnancy has been very difficult on me. And let’s be honest, on John. I don’t think the boys have noticed much of a difference, but that’s probably because they’ve been watching a whole lotta television lately and couldn’t be happier about it. It takes a lot for me to buy into mommy guilt, I feel like I’m pretty merciful with myself as a mother. But I’ve been buying into it here and there recently. And then the discouragement cycle cycles. I keep telling myself that the boys really don’t need that much to be happy and to think their life is beautiful, but I’ve come to learn about myself that I need to be putting in a proactive mothering effort in their lives in order for me to feel like their lives are happy and beautiful. So I’m going to work on being more present and hands on with them from here on out. Just a little more here and there. For my sake.
I’m also needing to adjust my attitude about being pregnant. My first pregnancy was insanely difficult for me and I ended up getting mean anonymous comments whenever I would write about the struggle. I understand people would sacrifice anything to be pregnant and I guess I didn’t realize my little blog reached anyone in a way to really make anyone feel anything about it, but people let me know I was being ungrateful. And I’m glad they did because it taught me a great lesson. I went into my second pregnancy with a major resolve to enjoy it more and be more enjoyable. Then I started bleeding and was threatening miscarriage through my entire first and second trimesters. It was a scary time for many reasons, but also the most spiritual and sacred time of my life. I was putting my complete trust in God and didn’t want to waste any of the unknown seconds I would have with my baby on any other feelings than gratitude and joy. And even though I was on bed rest I felt great and genuinely adored my second pregnancy.
And now with the third one, all I’ve felt is sick. It’s at least twice as bad as it was the first pregnancy, and it started way earlier on. This is by far my hardest pregnancy. I’ve struggled with severe nausea and fatigue, have been hospitalized for dehydration, have struggled with depression and discouragement, all the while trying to be emotionally present for my children and husband. I would say this has been the hardest trial in our marriage so far, but I’m starting to feel so much better and am excited to start being a husband-focussed wife once again, at least the best I can be right now. But meanwhile, I’ve been forgetting that I’m actually PREGNANT. I have a baby growing in my belly! That hasn’t been registering very deeply because of all the other feelings I’ve been feeling, and here I am at 18 weeks just grasping the fact that I’m growing a baby. I’m excited to feel pregnant from here on out, instead of just feeling preeeegnaaaaaant. I’ve started to feel flicks and flutters and that’s helping it all feel more real. And tomorrow we are scheduled for our anatomy ultrasound and will hopefully be finding out what we’re having! Haven’t decided if we’ll tell anyone, though :).
Anyway, I’ve started to babble. I guess I’m writing all of this because I miss writing, but also because I want to set some goals here today.
1. I want to dedicate more time each day to being a playful mom to my children. This means way less t.v. …
2. I want to flirt with my husband more.
3. I want to take time each day to connect with my bump. Who know how many more bumps I’ll have, ya know? Gotta start seeing this one as how special it is.
4. I am going to speak positively and honestly about motherhood.
5. I’m going to write here more often. I mean actually write, not just post the goings on and cute pictures of my babies.
I guess that’s all for now. I hope you are merciful with yourself today and know that you are doing amazing things, whether you realize it or not.