I can’t stop thinking about that stupid mushroom. Honestly I think I am more freaked out about it now than I was when it was all happening. I just keep thinking about it over and over and get stuck on thoughts of what could have happened. It actually taught me how pointless worrying is. I’m usually always worried about something but nothing bad happens–and then the night he ate that mushroom I didn’t have a care in the world. Worrying does not solve anything or prevent anything or curse anything or anything to anything. Caution is totally great and good and fine, but not worrying. The kind that cycles downward and gets you into this little dark convinced place that terrible things are going to happen to every single loved one in your life. Yes bad things happen. Yes heartache is real. But worrying robs us of beautiful times with people that could be used to make beautiful memories with them instead. One of the beautiful memories I have with Charlie was in the hospital this last week. He kept reaching up for me from his little hospital cot, summoning me to be close to him, and then would grab my head, tugging it down to rest on his heart, wrapping his tiny little arms around it, hugging it with everything inside of him and not letting go for a second. He would also keep reaching for my hand when he was trying to fall asleep, wanting to hold it to sooth him. And he would smile in spite of everything he was going through. That big hammy grin. Of course my world would crumble if anything happened to him, but I will try to keep my worrying at bay so I can enjoy that smile for all it’s worth for as long as I can.
Gratitude Posts Summary:
1. my family // 2. words // 3. outside // 4. compartmentalizing // 5. drunk babies // 6. black charcoal // 7. naughties // 8. sneaky treats // 9. mercy // 10. grins