Welp, I’m 37 weeks today and am really trying (but failing) to stay pleasant. (Don’t stop reading, though!) Aside from the physical discomfort, so many thoughts are running through my heart and mind, which I know is fairly typical of a soon-to-be mom of two. But even though I know I am not alone in these thoughts and feelings of guilt, excitement, angst, overwhelming joy, terror, inadequacy, et cetera, et cetera…. I feel so alone! (Really, don’t stop reading, please. I promise this isn’t a downer post…) I worry about my relationship changing with James, or even not having the time to appreciate all the little things about him that I do now (and there are so many precious little things!). But I am overjoyed and brimming with gratitude at the thought of our little Moose having James to look up to for his example and hero. And from what I hear, anyway, these feelings and fears totally resolve themselves once you actually have baby number two, and you wonder how you ever worried in the first place. It’s a leap of faith, it is. I’m trusting what everyone else says about their experiences, and I’m trusting that this is part of the plan that Heavenly Father has for me, Moose, and our little growing family.
The fact of the matter is, there is nothing I am more passionate about than motherhood. I truly feel that there is nothing more Godly than raising children to be kind, confident, and humble. Thoughts fill my mind and heart constantly of how I can best serve my children to be able to do this for them–to rise to the calling. It has been nothing but pure joy to be on this journey with James, and I am grateful to have the Lord’s confidence that I can do it for both of my sons now. But definitely not alone, no sir. To have John by my side, the most kind, confident, and humble man I have ever known, is to have so much relief and gratitude in my soul. I am just so thankful to be able to raise sons with him. It helps me feel like I can really do it.
So does the knowledge that I have of a loving God. He carries me through this journey of motherhood more than He has carried me at any other time in my life, and when I am patient and compassionate with my son, I can feel engulfed by the Spirit every day. I think that is why motherhood is such a gift: even though it can be so difficult, so demanding, so worrisome. . . .I am enough for the challenge. I am Hand-picked for the challenge. And that idea helps it not feel so challenging, but more spiritually fulfilling and identifying. I know who I am more now as a mother than I have ever known myself before. And I love who I am more than I have ever loved myself before. And it is every good mother’s rite to feel this way, I just hope we all do. I would hope that we all feel enough, and Hand-picked, and that we try to never buy in to “mommy guilt.” Children don’t need mothers who are afraid they aren’t enough. They need mothers who know they aren’t enough but who know that with the Lord they are exactly what their children need. They need that sense of security and that example of faith. And we as mothers deserve to feel the measure of our creation! We are raising God’s little ones, after all.
Anyway, I think I’ll leave it at that for now. I have so many other impressions about motherhood that I want to write individual posts on, but we’ll see if I can get around to it before Moose comes along. Who am I kidding, I have nothing else to do but wait, so stay tuned if ya want. Maybe. Truth be told, I’ll most likely be spending all my time hanging out with Jameser and making the most of our last few weeks together. Anyway, I love you and am so grateful for all of your sweet supportive messages and comments. Hope you all have a great weekend, and GO UTES!
…All recent photos from my Instagram feed…