In case you’re planning on getting pregnant soon…

 
preg-survival-tips-image
(I was 33 weeks with James in this picture)
 
The unmentionables of pregnancy, mentioned (we’re getting real here, folks!):
 
Hemorrhoids.  Mucus plugs.  Bacne.  Vaginal tearing.  Excretion.  Swelling.  Puking.  Migraines.  Constipation.  Veins.  Itching.  Restless legs.
 
Whoever deemed pregnancy as the epitome of femininity and womanhood was a man.  Honestly.  Am I the only one who thinks it’s ironic that in order to participate in the most feminine act in the universe, we women kind of have to become cave men?  Jokes on us a little, no?
 
Don’t get me wrong.  Pregnancy is miraculous and beautiful and godly.  I truly believe that.  But pretty it ain’t.  Not only for the mother, but for everyone in her life as well.  I was a bona fide bear my first pregnancy, poor John.  And while I have felt at least 100 times better this pregnancy, it has not come without it’s lack of glamour.  However, I’d like to think I’m kind of the queen of pretend glamour and femininity, especially during pregnancy.  I may only be on my second genstational adventure, but I have a few tricks up my sleeve that I’ve picked up along the way that might make your pregnancy a tad less Neanderthal-esque.  
 
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Brazillian waxes
(I told you I was getting real.)  
Yes, they hurt, and yes, they can be “embarrassing,” but nothing is worse than “regional” hair when you’re growing and hot and gaining weight and your stretching skin is already itchy.  I get one about every six weeks or so and it has saved my life, I’m pretty sure.  Warning: they get more painful the further along in your pregnancy you are, and the more hair you let re-grow.
 
Otter Pops
Yes, I take medication for my nausea, but when I’m in a pickle and need a quick fix, cold and tart in my mouth is just as good.  I keep a huge stash in my freezer at all times.
 
Diet Coke
Don’t judge me, I need it.  I am one who struggles with pregnancy depression and a DC in the morning is better for my soul than any anti-depressant I’ve ever taken.  Plus, it is the ONLY thing that gets rid of my pregnancy migraines.  I avoid drinking more than 8 oz a day, and never after lunch time because then I get majorly bad leg cramps at night and can’t sleep.  
 
  I use it on my inner thighs for “friction relief” and the more weight I gain, the more I love this stuff. 
 
Tan in a bottle
I’m not a brand snob.  I like L’oreal and Banana Boat, they do the trick for me.  The less I feel like a beached white whale, the better.  I’m majorly anti-sun, so the bottled stuff is like liquid gold to me.  And nothing takes off a few pounds quicker than a little tan.  Oh, and Sally Hansen leg makeup is miraculous.  It totally covers varicose veins and makes your legs secksy sleek.      
 
Highlighting and contouring my makeup
I’m one who not only gets pregnant in her belly, but also in her buttt (yes, my butt gets three “t’s”) and thighs and arms and face (even my nose!).  When my face starts to swell I start adding a little time to my makeup regimen by contouring the hollows of my cheeks and down the sides of my nose with bronzer, and then highlighting under my eyes and my t-zone with a super fair mineral concealer.  It really helps to slenderize the face. 
 
Cut off cammies and swim suit inserts.  Oh, and going commando.
The more I expand, the more I utterly despise anything restricting.  Bras might as well be medieval torture to me.  I have found that if I cut off a snugger camisole (sort of like a really comfy sports bra, but even less restricting) and then take some swim suit bra inserts and place them where they’re needed, I’m comfortable and still appropriate.  I also can’t do underwear a lot of the time.  Little less appropriate, but comfortable.  Comfort is of the utmost importance, people!       
 
dry shampoo
I use Suave.  It’s cheap and awesome.  My hair is long and thick and super annoying to do (especially when I’ve got the pukes and a toddler to chase around), so I use dry shampoo on days when I’m too lazy to wash my hair and then usually throw it up in a top knot or braid of some sort.  The dry shampoo gives the illusion of grease-free locks and allows me to go up to a week without washing my hair while still looking put together.stool softeners
They just make the world go round, let’s be honest.

 
Maxi skirts and palazzo pants, and for that matter, cute clothes in general
Comfy, breezy, trendy, stretchy.  I’ve made a few of mine and have gotten some others from Old Navy and Ross.  Also, it really helps me to still express myself through my fashion when I’m pregnant.  If I’m going to buy something I try to get a piece that can be used when I’m not pregnant, too, to justify the purchase, and I’ve really gotten some cute stuff.  I have also made a few dresses and some maternity overalls that are unique enough for me to like but that were super inexpensive.   
 
walking
I have been on bed rest for the majority of this pregnancy, but I’m able to work out again and I never thought I would love it so much.  However, the most I can do without feeling too exerted is to walk and walk and walk and walk like a pioneer child.  It’s too hot outside most of the time, so I walk at the gym or in the evenings with John and Jameser tagging along.  It helps my leg cramps and my pelvic pain and my soul.  
 
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Well, that’s all I can think of for now.  What are your thoughts?  And what are some pregnancy tips that saved you or someone you know??  Please email me and I’ll add them!