The past week or so has been full of learning and gratitude. The threat of miscarriage is still very real and heavy on our hearts, but it’s amazing how much love you can feel during a trial. I have gone through certain times in my life when things were so bleak and sad, and I felt utterly alone in my sorrow. But life experience has taught me that opening your heart to others’ and God’s love during a trial does not make your trial any less significant, but rather, it makes your trial a part of heaven that teaches you about things of eternal importance.
|At a friend’s wedding this past weekend. My man rocks a light tux! Oh, and look at that darling photo bomber.|
I was explaining to a friend yesterday how different this pregnancy is from my last one. With James I was so miserable. I had no perspective and hadn’t felt a connection to my baby yet, so I just felt fat and sick for 9 whole months. With Moose, the nausea and discomfort is still there but for some reason it is so much more bearable, more manageable. Honestly, there’s a pill for everything I struggle with about pregnancy, but I also have the perspective of how worth it pregnancy is. I know and understand what pregnancy results in, and the moment I found out we were pregnant, I felt love for Moose in a way I never felt for Biscuit (Jameser) before the last few weeks of my pregnancy. Honestly, this pregnancy has been so sacred. Every part of it. I told my friend that this pregnancy is heaven compared to the last one. I paused for a moment and continued, “Even though it has been harder in other ways, we have still felt heaven through it all. Our trial has even been heaven because we have felt heaven during it. We have had a month and a half now to wrap our heads around the idea of what could happen, and we have had the time to make peace with God’s plan. Of course it will still be devastating if the worst comes to pass, but we can’t help but feel gratitude for all we have been through.”
If you and I were to talk in person about all JW and I have and are going through, you might not get a very good sense of our deep concern and angst, simply because we are at a point now where we can talk about it with faith and gratitude and confidence in our role in Moose’s journey. I probably wouldn’t come across as sad or scared, even though of course we have felt those feelings deeply, because we have had the time to process things. I explain this simply to clarify that it really has taken us a lot of time to get where we are at, and if anyone is going through anything hard, I hope they feel okay about taking time to get to a good place too. People are allowed to feel their own feelings in their own process, and there is no time frame as to when people heal, or accept. Yes, we are people of faith, but it’s not like we completely skipped the “faithless” steps of questioning and fear and discouragement. We did, however, keep our hearts open from the beginning and have allowed God to comfort us. This really isn’t something that has come easy to me in the past, but Life has taught me that it really is the easiest way to face the future–to let Heavenly Father in.
I also explain this in hopes that it will shed light on how people grieve. Before all this happened to me, I must have only spoken with women who miscarried when they had reached that good place in their grieving, because I never fully appreciated how hard of a time they must have gone through until we were faced with it ourselves. Yes, women miscarry every day. And yes, they are happy again one day. But this should not allow any of us to treat the trial of miscarriage as something that is any less than what it really is: the trial of a deep loss. People–even healthcare professionals–have said some very insensitive things to us during our scare that have, quite frankly, broken our hearts. I would hope we could all keep compassion in mind as we encounter women who have experienced this loss and try to be as sensitive as possible to their personal trial and all that it accompanied in their hearts, no matter how far along they were when they miscarried.
As of now, we feel very comforted. Of course we don’t know what will ultimately happen, but I am honored to carry this baby for as long as Heavenly Father will allow. We do feel hope and love and are pressing forward expecting the best. All of your prayers and thoughts and sweet comments and emails have buoyed us up tremendously. We have been so humbled by love and support. Thank you, so very, very much.