These things I know…

easter-sunday-family-photo
Easter Sunday 2013
I started bleeding again and we found out that I have a very large subchorionic hemorrhage.  These do not harm the baby directly and are quite common (although that means very little to me because it is not common to us and we’re allowed to be scared….), but the bleeding can irritate the uterine wall and either make your water break early or start contractions and put you into labor, causing a miscarriage.  There’s no saying as to whether or not this could happen, and the size of the hemorrhage doesn’t necessarily mean anything one way or the other, so it’s just a waiting game until you find out if it does.  And then it’s too late, but there is nothing you could have done anyway.  So bed rest it is for at least the next month, just to be safe and so I can say I did all in my power.
 
But sweet little Moose is doing great so far!  He/She is perfectly healthy and growing so strong.  Hopefully my body will allow him/her to keep growing and to be safe and healthy until we can welcome Moose home this fall.  Until then, I just thank my Father in Heaven every night for another day with my baby.  My sweet, tiny little baby.
 
I was very discouraged after hearing this news, and I must say that I became quite cynical.  I couldn’t make sense of it all, not there is any sense to be found in situations such as these anyway.  I kept thinking of all the amazing women I know who have miscarried and realized that although it has always been something I’ve heard happen to other people, it very well could happen to us.  I am not exempt from trials, and thinking about that too much made me conclude that I was just waiting for my innocent, healthy little baby to die because my body was broken.
 
But then I rallied my emotions.  I decided that being positive wouldn’t hurt, and that even though it puts me in a very vulnerable position if anything bad were to happen, I would at least be happy with and for my baby as long as I had him/her.  I could do that for my baby.  Being sad before anything happens doesn’t prepare you for when it does happen, anyway.  John and I had a very important conversation over dinner last night about it all.  We decided on some concrete actions we were going to take if it became a worse-case-scenario scenario, and it brought us closer together than I ever thought tragedy could.  
 
We decided that we will not–not ever–blame Heavenly Father, 
but that we will thank Him every day for comforting us and be grateful for the knowledge that He is carrying us.  Heavenly Father has this baby’s best interests at heart and He loves our child even more than we do.  So we can trust that He has a plan, even for our tiny little unborn Moose, and we can know with a surety that our baby will be happy and safe no matter where he/she ends up in the near future.
 
We decided that we will celebrate other children our baby’s age
and we will not become embittered at their growth and development through the years.  My niece and nephew, who will be born only a few short months before Moose is due, will be my angels.  They will be my little Mooses.  I will spoil them and love them and celebrate them and their families and I will serve them as if they were my own children.  They will bring me joy and nothing else.
 
We decided that we will serve others.  
Going through trials is the great universal unifier, I believe.  It can bring two people who don’t even speak the same language close together and bind their spirits into unique friendships.  Even with what we’ve gone through up to this point has tenderized our hearts and opened them to others who have sorrowed, and we feel a fire within us to reach out and comfort.  To help Heavenly Father by being His comforting hands to His precious children.  We will not allow our trial to be for nothing.  And others have been unspeakably kind and helpful to us at this time, so we feel it our responsibility and honor to be able to be so for others in their time of need.  Our service for others will be our tribute to Moose.
 
I know that we are not being forgotten.  Heavenly Father is intervening even now, and will continue to do so as long as it takes.  I know that there is a greater Plan for God’s children.  We are not here by chance.  And we will not be lost when we leave this life.  I know that with God’s help, we can do hard things.  We can allow them to strengthen us and not break us.  I know that we have a Savior, Jesus Christ, who has atoned for our sorrows and fears and is with us always so that we are never alone.  I do not feel alone and although I have some fears, I trust that whatever happens is not a mistake.  It’s so hard to give my baby to Heavenly Father and just allow His will for Moose to transpire, but at the same time, it is so much easier than to mourn and be ridden with sorrow before anything even happens.  I must remember that Moose is doing well.  I must remember that my body will do and is doing everything it can to keep Moose safe.  I must remember that Moose was never mine to give to Heavenly Father in the first place.  I must remember that families are forever.  And I must remember that I have given my will to God’s and if things work out well for us, I have still devoted my life and heart to him.  These things that John and I have talked about will be in our hearts no matter the outcome, and we will thank this scare (if that’s all it turns out to be) for making us better people and better servants of the Lord.  For now, we have faith and hope.  We are grateful, as I said earlier, for each day we have with our baby and will forever praise the Lord for however much time He gives us with our little Moose.  But please pray for us that it will be for a very long time!
 
moose-profile
 
I have been clinging to this picture with all of my heart.  It brings me so much comfort, especially because we can already tell that Moose has Baby James’ round button nose and big juicy lips.  I know ultrasound pictures can be hard to make out, and I also know that they aren’t nearly as meaningful to anyone other than the parents, but when I look at this picture, I can really see my baby.  My real, happy, healthy little baby.  This is the most cherished picture I posses.