|honeymoon to Cali, November 2009|
The past few months have been very….very… difficult. I think my heart strings had been pulled at so much with things going on in my family’s and my lives that I forgot how to cope with life as a mother. It’s a sad irony that not having time to be depressed because of a little guy relying on you every minute of every day is depressing. I’ve been desperate to take some time for myself without any responsibility to anyone else, but that’s just not how it goes as a mom. And my heart has been so heavy lately, it just compounds the sadness with mommy guilt and anxiety.
So down I go. I’ve been lonely, but completely anti-social. I’ve been avoiding all deep feelings (enter lack of blog posts -here-), but have been deep in sadness. I’ve been exhausted all the time and don’t feel good enough to be the mother James deserves. It’s hard for me to talk about it with people, yet here I am telling you, hoping I won’t be judged or misunderstood. The past few days have been much better, though, and I’m beginning to feel like I’m really getting over the hump (mountain, more like) and don’t feel like my emotions are as precarious anymore.
It’s just that sometimes life makes it so that you have to set new, more realistic limits for yourself and for what you can handle. And you just have to allow yourself to do it, even if a small piece of your pride goes out the window with the old expectations of yourself. That’s the beauty of having a personal Savior Who atoned personally for your personality. Jesus Christ knows what I can do, and is willing and eager to make up for the things I can’t do, even if it’s just praying to muster the strength to stop watching netflix and get out of bed and be present in my son’s world. If I can squeak out a prayer, He’ll help make it happen, if I allow Him. And He’ll forgive me along the way as long as I’m seeking forgiveness and trying every so slightly to be a beensy bit better with each step. What greater gift is there than that?
Here’s to some fresh, new, better, more grateful steps.