Warning: Journal Post

The other night I couldn’t keep these feelings inside anymore.  I approached my computer and wrote an all-too-honest post about how much I hate myself right now, but couldn’t bring myself to publish it.  I didn’t want people to think they had to leave a comment of encouragement.  I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone.  And I didn’t want to trivialize my feelings by tossing them out into the bloggesphere, where anyone can do what they want to with them.

The truth is, I’ve been struggling lately.  I’m having a hard time seeing anything I’m doing right, including this blog.  I’ve been hiding behind the “30 Things” posts, not having to address any of my real feelings about life currently.  I’m just kind of stuck in an over-analytical cynicism.  And I’m so tired because of it.  I wake up depressed each morning and cry at the idea of never feeling normal again–never BEING normal again.

That’s not to say I can’t find joy in my life.  My son brings me more joy than I ever thought possible.  My husband is my rock, and I am beautiful when I look in his eyes.  But I find myself feeling even worse for feeling blue because of all these amazing blessings–I feel so ungrateful, and I’m so mad at myself for that.  I’m just having an extremely difficult time controlling my emotions lately, and my attitude.  I try to fill my time with things I love in hopes to distract my heart, but I still feel melancholy and worthless.

Please tell me this is just postpartum depression and that I will one day be me again….  How long does PPD last anyway?

In the mean time, I am thinking of how to spend the money John gave me today for a shopping spree.  As I was crying to him this morning, he held me and whispered, “You know, sometimes a girl just needs to go shopping!”  I denied the money at first, but secretly knew all along how it would end.  I feel so bad that John has to live with me, and that I’m pulling him into this part of my life.  But at the same time I don’t know how I could do this without him.  Thrift store, anyone?

Maui sunset, March 2010

9 comments

  1. Tricia Jeanne says:

    I’m so sorry Jessi! Of course I don’t know anything about PPD or how you’re feeling, but I’m definitely not feeling “pressured” to offer you words of encouragement!
    I just wanted to tell you that you looked AH-MAZING (said in the voice of Penny from Happy Endings) over Christmas– so my suggestion is that you go get something sexy for V-day. Not necessarily lingerie, but something that you feel DAMN FINE in and shows off your AWESOME 6 month post postpartum body.
    My two cents 🙂

  2. Ashley says:

    Hi Jessi,
    I’m a new follower to your blog, but I just wanted to say that you are TOTALLY normal. I suffered from mild PPD with all of my boys (I have 3) and while it doesn’t seem like you’ll ever feel like yourself again, I promise you that you will. If you feel that your symptoms are scaring you, I would encourage you to speak to your doctor. There is no shame in PPD…so many mammas suffer in silence! Praying for you!

  3. SassAFrass says:

    Jess,
    I know how you feel.I have my good and bad days and I understand the guilt that comes with the bad days.
    I am not familiar with PPD but I appreciate your honest post. I know there are alot of women you can relate to you out there.
    Seriously though, anytime you want to go thrifting or crafting I am all in! Espeicially since the hubs is in Texas for 6 more weeks.

  4. CKE says:

    Oh Jess this breaks my heart! I hope you are able to start feeling like your wonderful self sometime soon. And I would LOVE to go thrifting with you! Ohhh baby. 🙂 You guys should get away from it all and come stay with us!! 🙂 Loves! xoxo

  5. Anne Marie says:

    Jessi,
    call me or email me. You know I had PND. It sounds familar the things you are saying. It goes, I promise you can fight this battle and win. I love your guts! xx

  6. Amy says:

    So I’m a little late on this comment, but I wanted to say I completely know where you’re coming from. I won’t say the typical “I totally know how you feel,” because the truth is we all are individuals and feel different things. But I know that I’ve been feeling some real feelings lately that are sometimes hard to blog about. It’s easier to post a recipe or a “what I did this weekend” post, than to be like this is what I really think on a regular basis. I’ve tried incorporating real feelings in every now and then, and the comments I get on those posts are always so meaningful for me. I hope these are for you too 🙂 You go for putting your thoughts out there in the open. I hope the encouragement you get from Blogland makes your day like it does mine. Happy day after Valentine’s Day 🙂

  7. lifeslittletouchdowns says:

    Just found your blog but I have felt the exact same way, as a mom of a 2 year old. One quote from pinterest summed it up for me : Can’t remember exactly but something along the lines of Thank you God for this amazing life and that I only hope that I love it enough. It’s hard when you feel depressed yet have everything you could possibly want! Makes you feel very guilty. My issue was a hormone problem I would reccomend having them tested, having babies really does screw with your body! Hope you are feeling better now.

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