The other night I couldn’t keep these feelings inside anymore. I approached my computer and wrote an all-too-honest post about how much I hate myself right now, but couldn’t bring myself to publish it. I didn’t want people to think they had to leave a comment of encouragement. I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone. And I didn’t want to trivialize my feelings by tossing them out into the bloggesphere, where anyone can do what they want to with them.
The truth is, I’ve been struggling lately. I’m having a hard time seeing anything I’m doing right, including this blog. I’ve been hiding behind the “30 Things” posts, not having to address any of my real feelings about life currently. I’m just kind of stuck in an over-analytical cynicism. And I’m so tired because of it. I wake up depressed each morning and cry at the idea of never feeling normal again–never BEING normal again.
That’s not to say I can’t find joy in my life. My son brings me more joy than I ever thought possible. My husband is my rock, and I am beautiful when I look in his eyes. But I find myself feeling even worse for feeling blue because of all these amazing blessings–I feel so ungrateful, and I’m so mad at myself for that. I’m just having an extremely difficult time controlling my emotions lately, and my attitude. I try to fill my time with things I love in hopes to distract my heart, but I still feel melancholy and worthless.
Please tell me this is just postpartum depression and that I will one day be me again…. How long does PPD last anyway?
In the mean time, I am thinking of how to spend the money John gave me today for a shopping spree. As I was crying to him this morning, he held me and whispered, “You know, sometimes a girl just needs to go shopping!” I denied the money at first, but secretly knew all along how it would end. I feel so bad that John has to live with me, and that I’m pulling him into this part of my life. But at the same time I don’t know how I could do this without him. Thrift store, anyone?
|Maui sunset, March 2010|