Giving Thanks, part 28: Healing

Today I am grateful for the healing power of Motherhood.  I had an interesting experience today that helped me realize how far I’ve come in the healing and forgiving process.

I found out in a sort of round-about way that my ex and his beautiful wife just had a baby.  I hadn’t seen pictures of him or even said his name in so long that I initially started to panic a little when his face popped up all over my computer screen.  And then I realized he had just become a father, and some new emotions took over, without me even having to muster them:

complete and utter happiness and excitement.

For HIM!

I felt this overwhelming peace at the thought of him getting to be a dad–not because I have any emotional connection to or concern for him or his happiness, but I was overjoyed at the fact that a beautiful baby was brought into a home where she will surely be loved, and that the ex–although he hurt me–got to experience something so sacred and so purifying.  And I really felt honest-to-goodness happiness for him.

Some may think that it’s silly that I haven’t fully healed yet from the experience I had before I found John.  I mean, I have an incredibly compassionate husband, a preciously adorable son, in-laws that everyone would want, the Gospel in my life, charity in my heart again. . . . why wouldn’t I be able to just let all of those feelings and memories of the bad experience go?  I have so many new positive feelings and memories to replace them with.  .   .

But I really am getting there.  Today helped me realize that all the more.  I don’t think about it all that much anymore, it’s only sometimes that I remember how scared I was once upon a time because of how people treated me.  But those moments are fewer and farther between, and I feel like the victor.  Just because someone has a beautiful life after they get in a car crash doesn’t mean their body won’t be achy and sore for a long time after.  But eventually you fully heal.  And I really am truly getting there.  And that is so exciting for me.  Motherhood has helped me come a long way.  

I learned a few things about myself today:

1.  I can fully forgive and be genuinely happy for people who have hurt me.
2. Not only did this experience today help me realize #1, but it helped me realize how sacredly I hold Motherhood in my heart.  I mean, the way I feel about Motherhood and Parenthood helped me be happy for someone who hurt me just because he gets to have the sacred experience of raising a child.

It’s amazing the blessing James has been to me in so many ways.