Today I am grateful for the healing power of Motherhood. I had an interesting experience today that helped me realize how far I’ve come in the healing and forgiving process.
I found out in a sort of round-about way that my ex and his beautiful wife just had a baby. I hadn’t seen pictures of him or even said his name in so long that I initially started to panic a little when his face popped up all over my computer screen. And then I realized he had just become a father, and some new emotions took over, without me even having to muster them:
complete and utter happiness and excitement.
I felt this overwhelming peace at the thought of him getting to be a dad–not because I have any emotional connection to or concern for him or his happiness, but I was overjoyed at the fact that a beautiful baby was brought into a home where she will surely be loved, and that the ex–although he hurt me–got to experience something so sacred and so purifying. And I really felt honest-to-goodness happiness for him.
Some may think that it’s silly that I haven’t fully healed yet from the experience I had before I found John. I mean, I have an incredibly compassionate husband, a preciously adorable son, in-laws that everyone would want, the Gospel in my life, charity in my heart again. . . . why wouldn’t I be able to just let all of those feelings and memories of the bad experience go? I have so many new positive feelings and memories to replace them with. . .
But I really am getting there. Today helped me realize that all the more. I don’t think about it all that much anymore, it’s only sometimes that I remember how scared I was once upon a time because of how people treated me. But those moments are fewer and farther between, and I feel like the victor. Just because someone has a beautiful life after they get in a car crash doesn’t mean their body won’t be achy and sore for a long time after. But eventually you fully heal. And I really am truly getting there. And that is so exciting for me. Motherhood has helped me come a long way.
I learned a few things about myself today:
1. I can fully forgive and be genuinely happy for people who have hurt me.
2. Not only did this experience today help me realize #1, but it helped me realize how sacredly I hold Motherhood in my heart. I mean, the way I feel about Motherhood and Parenthood helped me be happy for someone who hurt me just because he gets to have the sacred experience of raising a child.
It’s amazing the blessing James has been to me in so many ways.