My heart has been very tenderized the past month. James has introduced me to a new self that I never knew was in me. And I love her. I am humbled at how naturally a lot of this “mum stuff” comes to me, and I am so grateful. I feel like the mother in me has been sleeping my whole life, gaining strength and energy to finally be awakened and nurture this little soul who is James. I have motherly instincts that I actually trust. That’s so exciting to me. And I am so comfortable holding and caring for my wee man. I feel like I have learned so much lately that I already knew in my heart, but just didn’t realize until I was in a situation to apply it. I feel more strongly now than ever before in my life that this is my divine nature, and it touches the deepest part of my spirit.
That’s not to say it has been easy, in the slightest. As I’ve gotten to know my new self and my newborn I have had to combat some pretty scary feelings. I’ve been facing some baby blues lately. But my feelings still feel real, even though they are influenced by batty hormones. I wonder if I can really do this… I mean REALLY do it. Like, for forever. I wonder if I love James as much as he deserves. I find myself getting frustrated and impatient with him when he cries and cries and cries. And cries. I feel like if I loved him the way he deserved I wouldn’t be frustrated with him. I know that is unreasonable, but I still feel guilty and extremely emotional about it. I just want to give him my best self. My whole heart. My deepest fondness and warmth.
But I recognize that I need to be patient with myself as I adjust to a new routine and to being a new mum. And I just need to give myself a break, really. This is definitely not the hardest thing I have ever done, and I need to pray for perspective and strength. I can do hard things and thrive. I know that much about myself. And I have so much support and so many people who want to help me succeed. It really is a special time full of so much love from so many sources. It’s just amazing what one little guy can do for a heart. For lots of hearts.