A New Me

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My heart has been very tenderized the past month.  James has introduced me to a new self that I never knew was in me.  And I love her.  I am humbled at how naturally a lot of this “mum stuff” comes to me, and I am so grateful.  I feel like the mother in me has been sleeping my whole life, gaining strength and energy to finally be awakened and nurture this little soul who is James.  I have motherly instincts that I actually trust.  That’s so exciting to me.  And I am so comfortable holding and caring for my wee man.  I feel like I have learned so much lately that I already knew in my heart, but just didn’t realize until I was in a situation to apply it.  I feel more strongly now than ever before in my life that this is my divine nature, and it touches the deepest part of my spirit.  
That’s not to say it has been easy, in the slightest.  As I’ve gotten to know my new self and my newborn I have had to combat some pretty scary feelings.  I’ve been facing some baby blues lately.  But my feelings still feel real, even though they are influenced by batty hormones.  I wonder if I can really do this… I mean REALLY do it.  Like, for forever.  I wonder if I love James as much as he deserves.  I find myself getting frustrated and impatient with him when he cries and cries and cries.  And cries.  I feel like if I loved him the way he deserved I wouldn’t be frustrated with him.  I know that is unreasonable, but I still feel guilty and extremely emotional about it.  I just want to give him my best self.  My whole heart.  My deepest fondness and warmth.  
 
But I recognize that I need to be patient with myself as I adjust to a new routine and to being a new mum.  And I just need to give myself a break, really. This is definitely not the hardest thing I have ever done, and I need to pray for perspective and strength.  I can do hard things and thrive.  I know that much about myself.  And I have so much support and so many people who want to help me succeed.  It really is a special time full of so much love from so many sources.  It’s just amazing what one little guy can do for a heart.  For lots of hearts.            

3 comments

  1. CKE says:

    Jess you are so cute. I love how honest and open you are. You are so amazing and I really hope that you do give yourself a break!! I know you are being a wonderful mother, and that’s because you were wonderful to begin with. 🙂 I just LOVE you!

  2. Jessica says:

    I’m glad things are going well. The crying is definitely a hard thing. Sadly I can’t say it gets any easier when they cry. I caught a glimpse of you at church. You look really good. I also looked at James for a bit. I forget how little new babies are!

  3. SBB says:

    I remember being scared at how frustrated I could get with Isaac. One day when he was about 10 months old I held him up in the air and yelled “WHAT DO YOU WANT???” And then the doorbell rang. Nice.

    It seems like a sweet, innocent little baby should be able to do anything and just get positive vibes back. I guess if we were all perfect that is how it would be. I didn’t realize how much work I needed in the patience arena until I had a kid. But don’t worry, your spirit is incredibly stretchy–kind of like your belly when you’re growing a baby; you don’t think you can expand any more, and yet you just keep getting bigger! 😉

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