20 Days Down

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These last 20 days since Jameser’s birthday have run the gamut of emotions and physical capability.  I really should be sleeping right now, since he is, but I had to get some of these feelings down.  I still can’t believe he’s ours, and at the same time I feel like he should be way older than just three weeks.  We love him so much.  The other day John and I were bathing James together and John said, “I feel like the word ‘precious’ finally has meaning.”  That melted my heart, to hear the man who I feel gives the word ‘precious’ meaning say that about our little man.  My two precious boys.  Sometimes I am simply overwhelmed with love and gratitude.  The joy literally pushes tears out of my eyes.

Other times, once in a while, I am just overwhelmed… I am of the persuasion that if sleep deprivation were not an issue after giving birth, postpartum depression would be 90% less of a problem.  For me, at least.  But the overall feeling is still pure elation and gratitude, even in the harder moments.  And I am so lucky to have John who has been the world’s greatest husband and dad.  He takes James every morning after 6:00 so that I can sleep for a few hours before the day really gets going.  And he changes more diapers than I ever expected him to, and he just loves James so purely.  It’s been adorable to see John hold James, look at James, and even skip and dance around the kitchen with James in his arms because he can’t contain his excitement of being a dad.  John was born to do this.

The most foreign feelings that have been introduced to my heart since becoming a mother most definitely revolve around paranoia.  I never thought I could worry so much!  And the funny thing is that James has been perfectly perfect since the beginning, but I’ve been worried that he doesn’t cry enough, or that he doesn’t wake up enough at night.  I’ve literally thought that maybe he is so sick that he is too weak to cry.  I never thought that maybe he’s just a mild-tempered baby who likes to sleep through the night.  Even though he cries a lot more now and is up a lot at night to eat {he’s going through a growth spurt according to his doctor, Dr. G.}  I’ve had to make things up to worry about!  I told John that I simply cannot live this way, and that I needed his help in finding a positive phrase or poem or hymn or something to replace the thoughts of paranoia.  John found me the most beautiful hymn that I’ve memorized and made my life’s mantra.  I recite it at least three or four times a day:

When Faith Endures
I will not doubt, I will not fear
God’s love and strength are always near.
His promised gift helps me to find
An inner strength and peace of mind.
I give the Father willingly
My trust, my prayers, humility.
His Spirit guides, his love assures
That fear departs when faith endures.

The moment I start having any feelings that cripple my happiness I recite the hymn.  It doesn’t take a moment before feelings of peace and trust reign in my heart.  The thing I love about the lyrics is that they help me realize that hard things can still happen.  It’s not a matter of faith preventing hard times, but if I have faith I don’t have to live my life in fear.  This is the perfect perspective for me to have as a mother.  I can trust that Father has a Grand Plan for my little James, no matter what happens.  That is comfort enough for this heart.

Highlights from the last 20 days:
James’ sneezes
James’ yawns
Emily coming over and cleaning my whole apartment
Becoming a nursing pro {after much pain and frustration}
Photo shoots with Andee McDonald
Late night feedings
James laughing for the first time
James holding his binky in with his little hands
Watching 24 practically all day long as I nurse every 45 minutes or so
Seeing JW be a dad

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