Yesterday.

I think it’s safe to say yesterday was the lowest I’ve been since becoming pregnant. I can’t remember the last time I cried that hard for that long. I just felt so…helplessly alone. Is that overdramatic? Don’t answer that. Even if it is, that’s how I felt and whether my feelings were authentic or hormonal, I was still feeling them and couldn’t help it.

John could, though, and did. He has a very calming presence and even when he may not know what to say, I just feel better when he’s there. So I guess I didn’t feel alone per se, but more like I wasn’t getting much sympathy from people (Except John, who is more empathetic towards pregnancy than any man would be expected to be. With his insomnia he knows very well what it is like to feel sick all the time, and depressed because of it. Plus he just loves me to bits and hates seeing me sick, so he really feels my pain and anguish with me. It’s amazing, really.). Surprisingly, though, I have felt like other people in my life who I would expect to be more sympathetic than they are, are less sympathetic than I need. But that’s just it—is anyone ever as sympathetic and present as you NEED when you are going through a hard time? The most selfless person in the world still has her own life and needs to attend to it, so no matter how much people give me I still need more in my desperation.

But that was just how I felt yesterday. I’m much more stable today. I’m not calling for your sympathy or trying to make anyone feel guilty or saying that you are the one leaving me hanging in my time of trouble. And I truly am so deeply grateful and humbled for the love and support you have given me. Yesterday was just…hard. Anything could have been blown out of proportion, and probably was, yesterday. My 20 week mark. Maybe it was my mid-pregnancy crisis. Thinking of how long I’ve felt sick and emotionally alone and exhausted, only to realize I have that same amount of time ahead of me to feel sick and emotionally alone and exhausted. I would like to think the nausea and vomiting and headaches will subside in the next few weeks or months, but there’s no saying, really. Plus the heartburn and joint aches and overactive bladder are introducing themselves with a vengeance, so who knows what else I’ll experience before Biscuit arrives.

I feel a little better, getting all this off my chest. Sorry you have to be exposed to these raw feelings–to this pity party. Don’t worry, I fully recognize how self-centered all of these thoughts are, and I know I just need perspective. The thing is, and I have yet to admit this to anyone, I don’t really feel a…connection…with my child yet. The fact that it’s already the size of a banana has not made it sink in that my CHILD is growing inside of me. And that scares me. Maybe things will change when we find out what we’re having, but up to this point I just feel sick all the time with no real affection to make it worth it. Not to mention a lot of people have made comments that make me feel like I’m no good at this whole “growing a baby” thing—“You are taking Zofran?? Horror!” “You drink diet sodas with aspartame? Unthinkable!” “You are 20 weeks and you haven’t called to schedule your ultrasound yet? How do you sleep at night?!” I guess there are some people out there who are pretty passionate about these things. I sure never thought to make a big deal out of them, but now I feel like I’m already failing as a mother when I get others’ reactions to some of my choices, or cluelessness, or whatever.

However, I’ve been inspired by this post over at Moosh in Indy to focus on the good of being pregnant.  Here’s what I got so far: (See, I’m not all doom and gloom…)
-amazing skin
-Diet Dr. Pepper (so sue me)
-hot showers
-nausea=things are working correctly
-Dr. H told me I was perfect at my last appointment (meaning I was measuring perfectly…)
-new clothes
-baked potatoes
-naps
-foot rubs from JW
-Regis and Kelly
-my pregnancy journal
-I don’t have to suck in all the time
-watermelon sour patch kids

Like I said, today has been better.  So much better.  There’s not a looming heaviness over my heart and I can definitely see my irrationality from yesterday and other days and really am grateful for the experience that is this pregnancy.  You just never really know what to expect until you are actually expecting.  I feel like I’m just making it all up as I go.  I had no idea it would be this hard, and know way to know how my body would handle changing.  I don’t even know how my body will handle it each day when I wake up.  I just tell myself, “It’s another day!” and hope and pray for the best.  And if I don’t get it that day, there’s always tomorrow.

7 comments

  1. Erin says:

    You poor thing! I remember feeling so so sick day in & day out. It feels like a never-ending flu. I am sorry it’s been so miserable! Some people don’t really get sick, so I am not sure why anyone must. But someday soon it will ease, and you will feel better. Hang on and be kind to yourself. I can’t wait to find out what our grandbaby will be! We live you and JW and little biscuit so much!

  2. Bliss says:

    A few things for my good friend Jess :)-

    1.I didn’t feel a huge connection to our baby either until it started getting bigger! It kicks a lot harder now and you can see it moving from the outside. We just laid on the bed the other night and played music and watched my stomach dance. I think that was the first time that we felt a connection to our little babe cuz we saw some personality and life! It will come 🙂
    2. I TOTALLY know those crying days when all seems lost. I recently blogged about mine too. We are lucky to have good husbands. 🙂
    3. I am so sorry that you haven’t been feeling well at all. I felt nauseated the past couple of days and couldn’t imagine constantly feeling like that 🙁 You are A.M.A.Z.I.N.G and don’t let anyone’s lack of sympathy make you feel different. You’re going to be a great mama! 🙂 Keep smiling

  3. Roger and Ashlee says:

    Jessi-

    I should comment more often, but I am a faithful blog follower! First off, congrats on the baby! They are the biggest joy of your life – truly!

    Which brings me to my next comment…its okay that you don’t feel a connection yet!! Total honesty?? I didn’t feel like Brooklyn was ‘mine’ until we brought her home from the hospital…and she was three months old! The first time you feel the peanut kick/move you’ll think “how cool is that” or “I love this baby” – and so on. But I didn’t connect with Brooklyn until she really became “ours” ya know?

    So sorry you’re sick. Is there anything else your doc can give you? And enjoy the Dr. Pepper, others are just jealous. 🙂

    Please call if you need to cry or vent. Sometimes girls just get it when the men in our lives (love them!) can’t understand, despite how kind they are to us.

    Ashlee Gardner

  4. CKE says:

    Oh Jessi! I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time. I know you’re not calling out for sympathy right now, but you have it from me! I wish I knew of something to tell you, some advice to help you know what to expect, but I have ZERO experience in this area as well and will probably be in your exact shoes when I get pregnant! All I can say is that I adore you and will pray for you to feel better. Love you! 🙂

  5. Karen says:

    I love these raw posts! It makes me feel like I’m not the only one who struggles! I’m sorry you are sick though. That is awful. don’t worry about what other’s say about your choices. They are your choices and you are making them to stay sane!! 🙂 My sister had a diet coke every day of all 4 of her pregnancies and her babies are all fine. You do what YOU have to do!

  6. Anne Marie says:

    Jessi – you can do it. You can and you will. Hard as it is, you WILL get there. One of the lonliest moments of my life was going into the labour ward, I will never forget it. I had to give birth, no one could do it for me, I couldn’t back out, but I never felt as close to my saviour than that moment either. Precious memory. I understand much more than you can imagine, crying day, hormonal days, sick days, icky days – and they say you are supposed to bloom – well to bloom you must have alot of … poo shall we say!! Jessi, we love you, this is the experience we signed up to, hard but beautiful. You will have more of these days and you will be better able after dealing with all of these now. Keep your chin up, you are loved by many. xx

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