I think it’s safe to say yesterday was the lowest I’ve been since becoming pregnant. I can’t remember the last time I cried that hard for that long. I just felt so…helplessly alone. Is that overdramatic? Don’t answer that. Even if it is, that’s how I felt and whether my feelings were authentic or hormonal, I was still feeling them and couldn’t help it.
John could, though, and did. He has a very calming presence and even when he may not know what to say, I just feel better when he’s there. So I guess I didn’t feel alone per se, but more like I wasn’t getting much sympathy from people (Except John, who is more empathetic towards pregnancy than any man would be expected to be. With his insomnia he knows very well what it is like to feel sick all the time, and depressed because of it. Plus he just loves me to bits and hates seeing me sick, so he really feels my pain and anguish with me. It’s amazing, really.). Surprisingly, though, I have felt like other people in my life who I would expect to be more sympathetic than they are, are less sympathetic than I need. But that’s just it—is anyone ever as sympathetic and present as you NEED when you are going through a hard time? The most selfless person in the world still has her own life and needs to attend to it, so no matter how much people give me I still need more in my desperation.
But that was just how I felt yesterday. I’m much more stable today. I’m not calling for your sympathy or trying to make anyone feel guilty or saying that you are the one leaving me hanging in my time of trouble. And I truly am so deeply grateful and humbled for the love and support you have given me. Yesterday was just…hard. Anything could have been blown out of proportion, and probably was, yesterday. My 20 week mark. Maybe it was my mid-pregnancy crisis. Thinking of how long I’ve felt sick and emotionally alone and exhausted, only to realize I have that same amount of time ahead of me to feel sick and emotionally alone and exhausted. I would like to think the nausea and vomiting and headaches will subside in the next few weeks or months, but there’s no saying, really. Plus the heartburn and joint aches and overactive bladder are introducing themselves with a vengeance, so who knows what else I’ll experience before Biscuit arrives.
I feel a little better, getting all this off my chest. Sorry you have to be exposed to these raw feelings–to this pity party. Don’t worry, I fully recognize how self-centered all of these thoughts are, and I know I just need perspective. The thing is, and I have yet to admit this to anyone, I don’t really feel a…connection…with my child yet. The fact that it’s already the size of a banana has not made it sink in that my CHILD is growing inside of me. And that scares me. Maybe things will change when we find out what we’re having, but up to this point I just feel sick all the time with no real affection to make it worth it. Not to mention a lot of people have made comments that make me feel like I’m no good at this whole “growing a baby” thing—“You are taking Zofran?? Horror!” “You drink diet sodas with aspartame? Unthinkable!” “You are 20 weeks and you haven’t called to schedule your ultrasound yet? How do you sleep at night?!” I guess there are some people out there who are pretty passionate about these things. I sure never thought to make a big deal out of them, but now I feel like I’m already failing as a mother when I get others’ reactions to some of my choices, or cluelessness, or whatever.
Like I said, today has been better. So much better. There’s not a looming heaviness over my heart and I can definitely see my irrationality from yesterday and other days and really am grateful for the experience that is this pregnancy. You just never really know what to expect until you are actually expecting. I feel like I’m just making it all up as I go. I had no idea it would be this hard, and know way to know how my body would handle changing. I don’t even know how my body will handle it each day when I wake up. I just tell myself, “It’s another day!” and hope and pray for the best. And if I don’t get it that day, there’s always tomorrow.